W T Actual F?
Main cast: Timothy Banfield, Marco Guzman
Director: BC Fourteen
Oh my God, I love Tubi. How could you not? It’s got everything you never knew you wanted to see. My wife and I have wasted hours on there watching some of the worst found footage movies we could find, but we also got to watch the entire Dresden Files TV show together.
The most recent travesty was TRUMP VS. THE ILLUMINATI, a computer-animated movie from 2020 where the Chinese-created clone of Donald Trump, who has been marooned on Mars for 1000 years, is contacted by an alien race and told he’s been prophesied to battle an alien race called the Illuminati and led by Aleister Crowley. To win the war, Trump must travel to Hell and fight Satan. Keep in mind, these are all aliens in typical alien bodies you’d expect to see in a movie this badly-animated.
Running one hour and nine minutes, this movie—written and directed by someone who goes by the name BC FOURTEEN—is just as terrible as you think it is. It might even be worse.
The animation is several steps below Beast Wars from 1996, and several times I’m pretty sure they just used the same footage for several different scenes. None of the alien mouths match the dialogue, and all of the humans talk behind their space helmets, so we never even see their faces. This is just super lazy filmmaking at its most insane.
So why did I love it? Because we get amazing dialogue like this:
“Trump? You mean the worst, most narcissistic, buffoonish president in the history of the United States of America? The sitting tyrant who cavalierly precipitated the devastating nuclear war that humanity dreaded for so long?”
And also:
“He’s not only got the most hated face in the universe, he’s got the ugliest!”
“And orangest!”
“That’s right, the bastard can’t hide anywhere for long. We’ll have his hide skinned any minute now. And we won’t have to worry about tanning it.”
That’s good writing right there.
And if you REALLY want to have a good time with this movie, watch it with the subtitles because they’re almost always wrong. The subtitles for the line “and orangest” were “stand on just”.
I can’t say I had a great time with TRUMP VS. THE ILLUMINATI, because I didn’t; it’s terrible. It is, hands down, one of the worst things I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen TWO Birdemic movies. But sometimes you come across something that’s just so batshit insane, you have to give it its due and spend the time to “enjoy” it. They probably spent 5 hours making this movie, the least I could do was spend an hour watching it.
And I didn’t even mention the part where Bigfoot joins the fight!
C. Dennis Moore is the author of over 60 published short stories and novellas in the speculative fiction genre. Most recent appearances are in the Dark Highlands 2, What Fears Become, Dead Bait 3 and Dark Highways anthologies. His novels are Revelations, and the Angel Hill stories, The Man in the Window, The Third Floor, and The Flip.
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