Something’s out there! And it’s not talent!
Main Cast: Bianca and Chiara D’Ambrosio
Director: Kim Noonan
Sigh.
Well, I guess I’ve seen worse. Seen way better, too, though, and by far. As far as found footage or horror or just movies with actors, go pick one at random and it’s probably better than this. If you need an example of a worse movie … that might take me a while.
Just the facts: NYCTOPHOBIA is from 2024, written by Koji Steven Sakai (who has written a bunch of stuff you’ll never hear of) and directed by Kim Noonan (likewise). It stars no one you know—except a very brief cameo by Dean McDermott of all people!—and features nothing you care about.
The premise is simple. Teen twins Rose (Bianca D’Ambrosio) and Azalea (Chiara D’Ambrosio) and their friend Brooks (BJ Tanner) have just graduated high school and it’s the night before “the big party”. Brooks is at their house, hanging out repeatedly in their bedroom which as the father of daughters just is not going to happen but somehow does in this house, so whatever. They hang out near the pool, they go back up to the bedroom, they come down and have dinner, then back up to the bedroom, then out by the pool again, all the while uttering the most inane, boring dialogue I’ve heard in years which Brooks is, for whatever reason, filming, until something finally happens. The lights go out.
But they don’t just go out, they go OUT. Everything’s out. Lights, phone signals, cars won’t start. Man, it’s really a shame one of the sisters has a crippling fear of the dark—nyctophobia. I wish I could remember which sister. I know she had the glasses. It was either Rose or Azalea…
Anyway, it’s not just their house; a quick scan of the neighborhood outside the window shows the entire area is hit with this blackout.
The kids meander around the house some more, acting like it’s the first time they’ve ever been in this situation, inside a house with the lights out, and it was at this point I began to suspect the NYCTOPHOBIA crew showed up on set that day, excited to see what the scenes were, what dialogue they’d be reciting, only to find out there wasn’t actually a SCRIPT, per se, just a list of general directions and reactions and they were told “ACTION” and had to make it all up in the moment.
There have been several successful improvised movies—THIS IS SPINAL TAP for instance—but for the most part those are made by professional actors and improvisers. These kids are neither and to throw them into a situation like this was cruel twice, first to them, then to the audience that’s expected to watch this nonsense.
In one scene, the sister who isn’t afraid of the dark got the other sister a going-to-college present: a big flashlight. After the lights go out, the same sister tells Brooks—whose phone is somehow providing the only light for miles around—to follow her around to the other side of the bed so she can find the flashlight. Well I can see very clearly in the light provided that the flashlight is lying on top of the bed. But they still go all the way around the bed, find it, then pick it up exclaiming, “Here it is!” as if they were on Survivor and had to find it buried under a pile of sand. Brooks alone, as our eyes from this POV, should have said, “Yo, I got you,” and just picked it up from the mattress because it was right there.
But I feel like the director told them, “OK, in this scene you’re gonna look for the flashlight. And ACTION!” and they did their best to make it seem like they really didn’t know where it was.
At some point, it becomes obvious there’s something in the dark, but whether it’s monsters or aliens and monster aliens, we’re never really sure and, to be honest, at this point we just don’t care. For a movie that’s only an hour and 17 minutes long, I couldn’t believe how long NYCTOPHOBIA felt or how many times I checked how much was left. I know a feature has to be a certain length to be considered a MOVIE and be able to play on screens. But come on, this movie was not getting a theatrical release, it’s NOT going to win any prizes, and they should thank God ROKU decided to give it a go.
The most surprising thing to me about this movie is the cast. Not that I couldn’t believe they got THEM to star in this!?! No, just the opposite. It was only after I saw the movie and had formed my opinions of the story and the actors that I found out the twins have pretty notable soap opera careers, one is a 4-time Emmy nominee while the other is a winner. And Tanner’s been in some popular shows, too, Grey’s Anatomy and The Orville to name two.
With careers like that, I can’t believe they could all turn in such terrible performances, but that just leads me back to, and further convinces me, that this was all made up on the spot with only vague directions given before cameras started rolling.
And wow they sucked at it! Not recommended. Ever.
C. Dennis Moore is the author of over 60 published short stories and novellas in the speculative fiction genre. Most recent appearances are in the Dark Highlands 2, What Fears Become, Dead Bait 3 and Dark Highways anthologies. His novels are Revelations, and the Angel Hill stories, The Man in the Window, The Third Floor, and The Flip.
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