I just can’t even with this movie!
Main Cast, like it matters: Mary Carey, Krissy Lynn
Director: Dean McKendrick
A while back, I was perusing the movies on one of those free horror streamers where the selections are less than stellar, and I came across a movie where the main character shares a first name with my wife. I looked up the movie on IMDB and realized while the cast and plot were the same, the run time on the streamer was WAY shorter.
So one day after work I watched it. I see where those missing minutes went; there is definitely a longer version of that movie, and the stuff I didn’t get to see was all the sex. Was it an edited porn movie with all the good bits cut out? Or were the edited bits the equivalent of an old Skinemax movie? No idea, I only saw the edited version, like I said.
Tonight I was looking for a movie to watch on Filmrise Horror and, going on the New Arrivals list, I scrolled all the way to the end and found this gem, HAUNTED HOTTIES. The synopsis left a lot to be desired, so I looked it up on IMDB and saw something strange: the streamed version is missing about 30 minutes of run time.
Another edited softcore porn movie?
Normally I’d say most likely, and the before and after scenes definitely hint at some missing sex scenes, but a movie like this and only 30 minutes of it is action while the other hour and ten minutes are PLOT? That doesn’t sound right, either.
But, whatever, it was free and it’s short, so let’s press Play.
Or let’s hit stop and go do literally ANYTHING else.
There are actually THREE stories going on here, and all of them are plain stupid.
In one, a scientist—in the end credits, only the women are listed, and none of their character names are included, and I’m not going back to see what these people were called, so scientist it is—is developing a formula that will make people turn invisible. He just needs to find a hot woman to let him test it out on…
In another, there’s a nightclub in town where the strippers are vampires.
In the last, the scientist from the first plot thread is also developing a formula that will heighten the sex drive of anyone who takes it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t learn until too late that the side effects of this formula include causing whoever took it to turn into a mindless zombie.
Ok, so invisible formula, vampire strippers, horny zombies. Got it? Good, let’s move on.
And that about wraps it up for HAUNTED HOTTIES. Did I mention there’s not one ghost in this entire movie?
Actually, this wasn’t a movie, it was 70 minutes of barely-dressed women in ridiculously stupid and disconnected scenarios giving some of the worst line reads I’ve ever heard. All of which leads me toward this might be a heavily-edited porn movie. But again, that’s a LOT of plot for a porn, and if the sex scenes they cut out were of the 80s and 90s Cinemax variety, why cut them? I just don’t get it. But then, that seems to be the motto of this movie, because in the end, there were dangling plot threads galore and by the time the credits rolled, I had no idea what was going on.
I feel like I should comment on the acting, but I didn’t see evidence of any of that on screen. Same with the script. A bunch of people said a lot of stuff and made a lot of movements, but none of it added up to a coherent story, so that’s out. This one was just a confusing mess from start to finish. One of the scenes at the end, if you’re following along, was CLEARLY cut and pasted from earlier in the movie to later.
Looking up the cast on IMDB to try to determine who qualifies as “main cast” for this review, I saw one of the actresses was in something called COLLEGE COEDS VS. ZOMBIE HOUSEWIVES, and the still is taken from THIS MOVIE, which leads me to believe HAUNTED HOTTIES really is just a cut and paste job from other movies, taking bits from there and trying to force some kind of narrative on them here. It didn’t work.
And did I mention the no ghosts thing? In a movie called HAUNTED HOTTIES, you’d expect at least one ghost. They should have just saved us all the effort and called it what it was: 70 MINUTES YOU’LL NEVER GET BACK.
C. Dennis Moore is the author of over 60 published short stories and novellas in the speculative fiction genre. Most recent appearances are in the Dark Highlands 2, What Fears Become, Dead Bait 3 and Dark Highways anthologies. His novels are Revelations, and the Angel Hill stories, The Man in the Window, The Third Floor, and The Flip.
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