5 Terrible Superhero Stories That Should Never Be Movies

Crème de la Crap

Mushu: Alright, that’s it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow

Mulan

Dozens of superhero movies have been released in the past decade. Most of them have been good, showing the formation of the Justice League, The Avengers, and The X-Men. Strange characters have become fan favorites, including the walking tree Groot, the psychic Gorilla Grodd, and interdimensional conqueror The Anti-Monitor. But there are terrible superhero stories that should never be movies.

In fact, some superhero movies should never be made. Perhaps the story is an incomprehensible sack of garbage. Some include decisions and plot points so illogical that you believe the characters are insane. There are some, including the final story on this list, that are racist and offensive that the only honorable thing to do when confronted by a copy is to burn it.

We’re in the shite now, folks. For better or worse, these are five terrible superhero stories that should never be movies.

#5 Avengers #200

Ms. Marvel: I’ve been used! That isn’t my baby. I don’t even know who the father is!

Avengers #200

The Avengers celebrated their 200th issue in 1980 with one of the stupidest plots ever written. No matter how many sequels Captain Marvel gets, this is a superhero movie that will never be made. 

The Story: The Avengers returned from a mission to discover that Ms. Marvel is seven months pregnant, despite her not being pregnant a few days ago. Half of the team was horrified, but the rest were ecstatic that she would be a mother. Ms Marvel gave birth to a boy named Marcus, who rapidly aged into an adult.

Marcus explained that he is the son of Avengers villain Immortus. He was trapped in Limbo and had grown lonely. He brought Ms. Marvel to Limbo, mind controlled her into making love, and escaped Limbo by being born through her. 

Marcus’ escape from Limbo damaged the space-time continuum and could only be fixed if he returned to his dimension. Ms. Marvel decided to go with him, having supposedly fallen in love with him. The Avengers not only accept this outcome, but deem it a happy ending.

Why It Will Never Be Made: Reaching the 200th issue of a series is a milestone and should be celebrated. Perhaps you flashback to previous events as a reminder of where the characters have been. Maybe you shake up the story with a big plot twist. What you should never do is celebrate it by having a character be raped and written off as a “happily ever after.”

Marvel readers and writers despised this terrible superhero story and immediately set about undoing it. Marcus rapidly aged to death, Ms Marvel returned to Earth and went ballistic on The Avengers, leaving the team to join The X-Men. She spent years dealing with the trauma of her rape and The Avengers’ betrayal.

#4 Countdown to Final Crisis

Superboy-PrimeI’ll kill you! I’ll kill you to DEATH!

Countdown to Final Crisis

Here’s an example of why you don’t give the editor in chief too much control of a story. Especially when he wants the antithesis to a bestselling, well received series. Submitted for your disapproval, Countdown to Final Crisis.

The Story: A being called The Monitor learns that the multiverse is collapsing. A “Great Disaster” is approaching and the only superhero who can stop it, The Atom, is missing somewhere in the multiverse. The Monitor recruits Wonder Girl, Red Hood, and Green Lantern to scour the multiverse, find The Atom, and prevent The Great Disaster.

Meanwhile, several unconnected plots occur. Superman’s pal Jimmy Olsen gains superpowers, becomes a hero, and investigates the deaths of a race called The New Gods. Flash villains Trickster and Pied Piper are framed for murder and go on the run. Psychopath Superboy-Prime rampages through the multiverse, searching for a being called Monarch. And this isn’t even half of the main plot lines.

Why it will never be made: Countdown to Final Crisis is not a story. It is a collection of unrelated plot points gathered together and stretched out over fifty-two issues in mockery of its counterpart, 52. The characters go through poorly plotted story arcs, leaving piles of massacred characters in their wake.

The writers tried their best to salvage Countdown, but it couldn’t be saved. The events of the book had little effect on the DC universe and were almost completely ignored by Final Crisis. Y’know, the thing this entire danged book was counting down to? Countdown is a terrible superhero story the writers didn’t even like.

#3 Heroes in Crisis

Batman:Someone was being treated here. By Sanctuary. Along with a lot of other heroes. And that someone killed Sanctuary. And a lot of other heroes.”

Heroes In Crisis

Mental health is a heavy, delicate subject. So are massacres. Both should be addressed with care and finesse. Or, you know, just slam them together to create a superhero murder mystery that is actually unsolvable. That works too, I guess.

The Story: Sanctuary, a secret therapeutic facility for superheroes is attacked, leading to the deaths of nearly everyone there. The two survivors, Harley Quinn and time traveler Booster Gold, each believe the other committed the massacre and begin hunting each other.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane receives a file of Sanctuary’s confessionals from a mysterious source. She releases the information, creating fear in the populace as they realize that even godlike superheroes can have mental issues. As the Justice League does damage control, the murderer sets the stage for a final confrontation. But who is the murderer?

Why it will never be made: Heroes in Crisis is a murder mystery that cannot be solved with the clues the reader is given. The solution requires several leaps in logic, impossible feats that the perpetrator couldn’t have physically done, and at least two instances of time travel to explain plot holes.

Sanctuary is supposed to be a place where superheroes can get help with mental issues and trauma. It’s a good thing then that there are no doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, security guards, or any humans there aside from the patients. The only things the patients are given are a booth for confessionals, a holodeck to relive their traumas, and an emotionally abusive A.I. therapist constantly questioning their actions. 

And now the audience participation section of this article: describe the above scenario to a mental health professional and measure how long they spend ranting about how screwed up Sanctuary is.

An unsolvable mystery and a complete lack of understanding about how psychology works makes Heroes in Crisis a terrible superhero story that should never be made into a movie.

#2 Marville

Kal-AOL: “Before I can be a hero, I have to figure out what’s right and what’s wrong. We need to figure out the meaning of life. Where it all started and where we’re all going.”

Marville

Take two parts unfunny parody, three parts pseudoscience, and eighteen parts bad writing. Mix together, pour through a strainer onto ice, and you get the penultimate superhero movie that should never be made: Marville.

The Story: We start with an immortal Ted Turner trying to save the world by destroying meteors with the Atlanta Braves’ Tomahawk Chop. Realizing that isn’t working, he builds a time machine out of Playstation One parts to send his slacker son, Kal-AOL, into the past. Kal thinks this has given him superpowers and becomes the world’s most ineffectual superhero.

Halfway through, the story changes from shallow parody to a bad philosophy and science lecture. The cast uses their time machine to track down God and demand answers about life, the universe and everything. God takes them to the Jurassic Period, oh sorry, Jurassic Park, and rants about evolution, intelligent design, and how people should feel bad that amoebas die. I wish I was exaggerating.

Why It Will Never Be a Movie: Marville is an affront to anyone with intelligence. The first half is a boring parody of pop culture and the comic book industry. Spike Lee is The Kingpin? Sure, why not? Batman, Black Panther, and Iron Man kill petty thieves while talking about exploiting minorities and barely avoiding the N-word? The height of humor! Former Chair of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan shows up working in a bank? I promise you that 90% of people reading Marville have no idea who that is.

The second half of Marville is rampant with the aforementioned pseudoscience lectures, but still half-tries to keep up the parody. Did you know that duck-billed dinosaurs not only had a civilization, but could talk and were Jewish? What about how an otter spontaneously evolved into the first human: Wolverine? My brain hurts just remembering how stupid Marville is. At least the last entry can’t be that bad, right?

#1 Frank Miller’s Holy Terror

The Fixer: [torturing a terrorist] “So, Muhammad, pardon me for guessing your name, but you’ve got to admit that the odds are pretty good it’s Muhammad, what’s the plan?

Holy Terror

Well… f*ck me then.

Full disclosure, I cringed when I realized I would need a quote from Holy Terror. The idea that I’m spreading this racist drivel in any way makes me want to vomit. But here we are. Holy Terror. A parody of Batman made to coincide with the tenth anniversary of 9/11. The worst comic book ever made. A superhero movie that will never, ever be made. And one that never should.

The Story: Batman-ripoff The Fixer pursues a supervillain named Natalie Stack, who certainly isn’t Catwoman. Their battle is interrupted when Al-Qaeda detonates several nail bombs across Not-Gotham City. The Fixer and Natalie decide to team up and take down the terrorists attacking the city.

The dysfunctional duo maim, torture, and kill every terrorist they come across. Al-Qaeda ramps up their attack, with more nail bombs, rocket launchers, and a fleet of fighter jets. Y’know, the essentials that every terrorist cell has. The duo slaughter Not-Gotham’s entire terrorist cell and begin preparing for a coming war with Al-Qaeda.

Why It Will Never Be Made: Holy Terror is unspeakably racist. Every Muslim shown is a willing terrorist who will gladly kill themselves if infidels die with them. Several passages from the Quran are depicted without context as justifications for terrorism, including a few that are made up for this book. I would say Muslims are demonized by Holy Terror, but I’ve seen mass murdering demons be treated better by other books.

The her–, protagoni–, the main characters are a pair of psychopaths in superhero trappings. The Fixer gleefully tortures his victims for information and gruesomely kills them after getting what he wants. Even Jack Bauer would tell him to tone it down. Natalie is just as bad, but also serves as an oversexualized damsel in distress on occasion.

This god-awful book almost destroyed long-time comic writer Frank Miller’s career. Years later, he admitted in an interview with The Guardian that he was in a bad place while writing it and that Holy Terror was awful, both politically and as a story. When even the writer of a book disparages it, you know it’s bad.

What terrible superhero stories do you think should never be movies? Is there one even worse than these? Tell us in the comments.

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