Last Kiss

Once upon a time a naïve young girl (shut up, this is my story and I can be a young girl if I want to) decided to watch a movie starring a cute boy. Now, the girl had seen a different movie with this same boy and been smitten with his cute and charming ways. She thought another movie would be just the ticket to watch while she ate a couple of giant cookies and relaxed after a long week. It turns out that sometimes the naïve young girl is a complete idiot.

I’m just going to be straight with you all right now. The Last Kiss sucks. It blows. It sucks and blows at the same time, something rarely achieved in this dimension. It is worthy of your scorn, your wrath and your spittle. It is not worthy of your time, your money or your mental energy. It will eat your soul and have your moral center for dessert.

I didn’t like it.

But why? Why does this innocuous tale of love and redemption earn such rancor? Why? It’s just a simple coming of age tale about fear and commitment and the rocky road to adulthood, right? It even stars Zach Braff, who is utterly charming in Scrubs with his “aw shucks” good nature and his little boy grin, and even more so in Garden State with an edgier persona but still with that adorable grin and undeniably sweet screen presence. He even plays his role well – nailing the part as the screenwriter and director undoubtedly intended. Unfortunately, that’s a big part of the problem.

Braff plays Michael, approaching his thirtieth birthday with all his ducks in a row. In an initial voice-over narration, Michael talks about all the things he imagined his life to be – good job, great friends, beautiful girl to love and be loved by – and he has it all. But he’s uneasy, feeling that there is nothing left, no more surprises. Even the fact that his girlfriend Jenna is pregnant, much to her (and his professed) delight, seems unable to quell his fear that all the good parts of life are over. He and his friends, Kenny (Eric Christian Olsen), Chris (Casey Affleck) and Izzy (Michael Weston) are all in similar boats – approaching thirty and in varying states of existential distress. So what are they going to do about it? How do they take that final step and grow up? That’s where The Last Kiss thinks it goes. To bad it fails on an epic level.

Let me elaborate, and bring my hatred into sharper focus. First – and immediately noticeable – is that every last woman in this film, from the incredibly sweet Jenna (Jacinda Barrett – who acts this role remarkably well for someone who got their start on MTV’s “The Real World”) to supposed temptress college co-ed Kim (Rachel Bilson) to Jenna’s mother (played exquisitely by Blythe Danner) is ultimately portrayed as a shrewish harpy. Regardless of circumstance, insult, betrayal, or happenstance, the woman is ultimately in the wrong and oppressing or actively harming “her man”. Under no circumstances are the men held responsible as being part of any problem that might exist, we are shown only how they grieve their miserable oppression at the hands of these overbearing, demanding, pushy women. So part one of my disgust goes directly to the misogynistic bent of the screenwriter (Paul Haggis – who bears the blame for a whole lot more as well) who apparently thinks that coming of age is complicated immeasurably by anyone without a penis.

The film’s biggest (and it’s big – monumentally, film destroyingly big) downfall is in the character of Michael. In two senses. Character as in a role written for the screen and character as in the morality of this person with whom we are clearly supposed to relate and sympathize. Michael is little more than a sniveling man-child who has the temerity to expect sympathy when his real problem is that he’s a thirty-year-old man chasing some fantasy notion of youth before he has even begun to age. He has everything he wants, but it isn’t enough. He feels angst (boo-fricking-hoo) because he has a perfect life. He is scared of commitment, despite having been committed enough to live with Jenna for three years and get her pregnant – and not voice any concerns whatsoever until it’s too late for her to consider any options other than having the baby. So he acts out. Egregiously. Twice. And yet, still, he’s supposed to be our protagonist. We’re supposed to root for him to get the girl. But he’s a complete jackass. Michael made me feel like taking a shower. He’s a pathetic excuse for a grown man who should be kicked to the curb and left there.

But that isn’t the perspective of The Last Kiss. This is a film about having your cake and eating it too. Where the man, no matter how vile or repugnant his actions, deserves forgiveness, redemption and above all, sympathy and another chance (another chance to blow it by being an irresponsible jerk, would be my guess). This might work if the characters were ten years younger and found themselves in over their heads due to youth and inexperience. But these men are thirty years old – plenty old enough to get a grip and grow the hell up, take responsibility for their actions and accept the consequences. Better yet, they’re far too old to be behaving like pouty children who expect the world to be served to them on a platter.

What a waste. The score is great; it would be perfectly suited to a less disgusting version of this film in which the relationships are explored in this time/space continuum instead of Bizarro World. There’s also some serious talent on display here, from Braff to Danner to Tom Wilkinson and even Jacinda Barrett. They do their jobs and do them well – acting the roles they’ve been given. They have a job to do and they do it admirably. Arguably the finest performances come from Wilkinson and Danner as Jenna’s parents who are also going through a time of uncertainty and upheaval. With thirty years of marriage behind them, I believe that this would be a relationship worth exploring – these people are interesting and complex. Unfortunately, this isn’t their movie, and the smidgen of depth we feel from them and their relationship simply serves to underscore the foul stench of adolescent whining emanating from the rest of the screenplay.

Frankly, I lay the blame for the failure of this film directly on screenwriter Haggis. Yes, I realize the film is a remake, but that means nothing. There can be absolutely no shared blame, even if the original mirrored precisely the immature misogyny of The Last Kiss. This film plays out like an overgrown adolescent fantasy of how the world works. What makes me want to vomit is the idea that this crap might strike a chord with a certain demographic. Those who have yet to mature enough to realize that relationships aren’t always easy and if one foolishly and with premeditation destroys the very foundation, one cannot expect all to be forgiven and the road to happiness paved with gold and hot co-eds. For those potential viewers I feel sympathy – for they are sure to be rudely and unequivocally served the truth by those with little patience for people who refuse to accept their good fortune in the midst of a world filled with undeserved misery.

Yes, I do realize that one must be willing to suspend their disbelief in many cinematic situations. However, this isn’t one of them. The Last Kiss isn’t some bawdy comedy or spoof or action movie, it’s played as a straight up “slice of life”. Movies like this assume by their very nature a semblance of taking place within the confines of reality (at least reality as it is during the time period in which they take place – in this case present day). There’s no fairy tale element here, no suspension of reality – Haggis seems to actually think this is how one might go about handling such a situation. It’s a morality play, except the morality presented is simply vile.

To sum up, I hate this movie. I don’t recommend it for anyone, at any time, in any place, under any circumstances. Everyone involved in the production of The Last Kiss, bar the actors, should be ashamed of themselves. Real life relationships are complicated and messy. The Last Kiss is just a simplistic, adolescent, whining, ugly mess.