Prepare to witness the rise of the next generation of evi—sorry, I can’t say it without laughing!
Main Cast: Kate Moyer, Elena Kampouris
Director: Kurt Wimmer
I’m just gonna start this one with the obvious: What the ACTUAL f???
I’m not gonna pretend like CHILDREN OF THE CORN is a beloved franchise worthy of praise and hosannahs when we all know the original 1984 was the ONLY good one to come from the original King short story. But this one, the 2023 remake … I mean COME ON.
Actually, it can’t even be called the 2023 remake as it was shot in 2020, but not released for three more years. While I don’t know the reason for the delay, I’m wondering why stop now?
There was absolutely nothing in this movie that called for an audience. The story is bland, the actors have no idea where they are or what they’re doing, and in the end the viewer is left stunned by how much money was wasted on this thing. In fact, I’m almost certain if you just took the money they spent to make CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2023 and split it among everyone who’s actually watched this travesty, we’d all be able to make our rent or house payment for a while off the money we got (the estimated budget was $10 MILLION while the worldwide gross, according to IMDb, is just over half a million dollars).
As we get into the “plot”, if someone wants to tell me why THIS had to be connected to the King story, I’d love to hear it:
Set in Rylstone (Nebraska?), the adults are voting on whether to accept a government subsidy and destroy all of their crops, which angers Eden (Kate Moyer), a little girl who by all accounts needs to be sent to her room.
Meanwhile, Bo (Elena Kampouris), the prettiest girl in town, who also happens to be the smartest and is heading off to college soon, doesn’t have time for all this nonsense. But when Eden gathers a gang of local kids and teens and they end up slaughtering a good handful of the adults for daring to even consider destroying the corn, Bo knows she needs to do something to stop the madness.
Add to all this a mysterious figure called “He Who Walks” … just that, He Who Walks, no mention of Rows or Where In Regard to Said Rows He May Walk, that serves as Eden’s … mentor?, and you’ve got a recipe for who gives a shit. I’m not even going to mention the breathtakingly terrible CGI effects when He Who Walks finally shows up on screen but it was so bad I had to show my wife and daughter the next day and we laughed and laughed.
Written and directed by Kurt Wimmer, who also gave us EQUILIBRIUM, LAW ABIDING CITIZEN, as well as the TOTAL RECALL and POINT BREAK remakes (2012 and 2015 respectively), but who hadn’t directed a movie since 2006’s ULTRVIOLET due to studio meddling, this CHILDREN OF THE CORN “remake” … my God, I don’t even know.
Again, I’m not a huge fan of the series—haven’t even made it through all of them—but I have read the story and the ONLY thing this movie has in common with King’s Children of the Corn is that there are indeed children here, as well as corn. Other than that, this one could have been called MURDERKIDS and it might have fared better at the box office. But when you give your movie the Stephen King tie-in, audiences come in with expectations, and Wimmer and company just didn’t give a shit for even a second. Maybe that’s why audiences stayed away. I know I could tell from the trailer that this was NOT the story I was used to, and it’s why I didn’t go to the theater and waited until it was streaming and my wife was out of town so I had absolutely NOTHING else to do.
In retrospect, I should have just painted the upstairs bathroom and saved myself the mental anguish.
C. Dennis Moore is the author of over 60 published short stories and novellas in the speculative fiction genre. Most recent appearances are in the Dark Highlands 2, What Fears Become, Dead Bait 3 and Dark Highways anthologies. His novels are Revelations, and the Angel Hill stories, The Man in the Window, The Third Floor, and The Flip.
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