The A-Team and Marmaduke? Really?

Just when you think we can’t sink any lower…

So we now have reality TV ruling the airwaves, sequels ruling the big screen and 15-year-olds ruling pop music.  Just when it looks like things are going to complete and utter hell, they get worse.  I have just watched the trailer for Marmaduke, the movie.  The fourth horseman of the entertainment apocalypse has arrived.

Marmaduke, for those of you who did not grow up on comic strips in the daily paper, is a giant dog that is supposed to be funny.  He isn’t.  He never was.  He’s just big and dumb.  Now he’s a live action movie star!  God help us.

And it isn’t just Marmaduke.  The A-Team?  Apocalyptic hoof-beats, closing in.  Back in the late 70’s (early 80’s?  it’s all a heinous blur) the A-Team was a crap TV show that introduced Mr. T to the small screen.  A man who should have been a one hit wonder as part of Rocky 57 (I don’t even remember which one and I’m not going to look now) became someone we had to put up with in our own homes.

Fortunately, there was something known as the “off switch”.  We used it.  I avoided Mr. T and the A-Team just like I skipped over reading Marmaduke in the daily comics.  A brief taste of both was plenty.  Now they are both appearing on the big screen.  Not only that, but with big talent attached to them.

William H. Macy.  Owen Wilson.  Sam Elliott.  Judy Greer.  All in Marmaduke either as voice talent or on screen.  Liam Neeson (I just threw up a little in my mouth – what the what?) and Bradley Cooper (fine, he isn’t better than this, but still) and Jessica Biel are all part of the A-Team.  How did this happen?  I understand that there is nothing new under the sun.  That pretty much every story has already been told and what we have been entertained by for millennia is really just remakes and reruns.

But why remake stories that sucked the first time?  Maybe I’m wrong, maybe the movies will be amazing and worth all the money and talent and money and resources – did I mention money? – being poured into production and marketing.  Maybe the film version of a big, dumb dog will change the face of movies as we know them.  But I don’t think so.

I have no problem with movie makers mining the gold of the past.  But both Marmaduke and The A-Team are more like mining the pyrite and taking us all for fools.  I think I’ll spend my dollars elsewhere.  Perhaps on Apocalypse Insurance.

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