Family Circus Comic to Become Live Action Feature Film

Oh, how I wish I were kidding…

So.  What happens when you mix inept studio execs with a stale, unfunny comic strip?  Those of you who said “Marmaduke the Movie” are right!  And since that was such a miserable failure, what should that very same studio do?  Learn from their mistakes and if they absolutely must rip off old source material, at least try to rip off something good?  Noooooooo.

We’re talking about Fox, here, folks.  Their solution is to find what is perhaps the single most unfunny, dated, bland and repetetive comic strip ever to disgrace a Sunday paper and turn it into a live action feature film.  That’s right, they’re making Bil Keane’s monstously bad Family Circus into a movie.   I hate you, Fox.

I have to tell you that I can’t think of worse source material for a movie outside of a wino’s diary.  What the hell are they thinking?  Producer John Baldecchi actually heavily pursued Bil Keane in order to get these movie rights.  Not only that, there was also some sort of bidding war and Fox reportedly spent 7 figures for said rights.

I have an idea – maybe Bil Keane knows that the morons at Fox do not – that his strip is not funny and will make a horrible movie!  Yeah, I doubt it, too.  But he did resist the Hollywood call for many years.  I wish he had stayed strong, stuck with whatever principles made him refuse in the past and let us all live free of his “characters” come to life.  Good Lord, I might have a nightmare tonight just imagining it.

How are they going to stretch it into a full length feature?  Mispronounciations, a kid wandering all over the neighborhood followed by a dotted line, all the kids talking at once and bland mundanity plus a dog named “Barfy” passing for humor do not a movie make.

And who in the world are they going to cast?  Somehow I can’t quite see, for example, Jake Gyllenhaal or Robert Downey Jr (you knew I had to get him in here somehow) or Edward Norton taking on the role of the father who has not changed his behavior in 60 years.  And how about 1950’s Mom (oh, wait – it’s 2010, someone tell Bil Keane!)?  Cate Blanchette maybe?  How about Sandra Bullock or Laura Linney?  No, I can’t see it either.  If they’re lucky maybe they’ll land Tara Reid and Freddie Prinze, Jr.   Box office gold!

There’s no way this can turn out well.  But I will keep an eye on it for you and let you know how it’s progressing.  Personally, I can’t wait to see the cast list.  Fox, you begged to be mocked with this announcement.  It took over a week for my initial nausea but now I’m ready.  Someone has to mock and it might as well be someone like me.  Who will enjoy it.  Bring on the cast list, Family Circus, let’s see who gets to take this dog for a walk!

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