There is Norway you are getting into these panties tonight.
Main Cast: Doug Fahl, Cooper Hopkins
Director: Kevin Hamedani
Each year there are movies produced that are never seen by the public. Their content is considered too graphic, too disturbing, too shocking for general audiences. This is one of those films.
When I heard one of the movies in the 4th After Dark Horrorfest was called ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION, my first reaction was, “Crap, another zombie movie?” Then when I heard it was being compared to SHAUN OF THE DEAD, I thought, “ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” because I thought SHAUN was both original and hilarious. But I knew, somehow, ZMD was going to be one of those movies that sees something really good and proceeds to, in hopes of mimicking all the things that made that thing great, just produce a bad parody of it. And I was right. In all 89 minutes of ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION, I never laughed once. I chuckled three times. That’s it. Because in my opinion ZMD is just trying too hard to be funny, to the point of practically announcing, “Joke coming up, get ready to laugh!” Well, if you have to warn me that what’s coming up is supposed to be funny, it’s probably not funny at all. And this wasn’t.
ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION is set on the island of Port Gamble, Washington, in Sept. 2003. Tom Hunt (Doug Fahl) is returning home with his boyfriend Lance (Cooper Hopkins) to, finally, come out to his mother. Meanwhile Frida (Janette Armand), born of Iranian parents, has just returned home as well after dropping out of Princeton only to find nothing on Port Gamble has changed and everyone still suspects her family of being terrorists (as well as confusing them with Iraqis).
It just so happens on this day in September, there’s also an outbreak of zombie virus on the island. For Tom, Lance, Frida, and all the other residents on Port Gamble, the next several hours turn into a chaotic bloodbath of fire and destruction. And there’s jokes sprinkled throughout. Well, “jokes” in the technical sense, anyway.
Maybe it’s because I’m sick of 95% of the zombie stories out there all telling the same story (rag-tag band of survivors has to make it through the night while running here and there into interesting characters, having adventures, and always trying to stay one step ahead of the zombie masses), but I just couldn’t make myself be interested in this movie at all. The story was the same old same old, with some bad terrorist gags thrown in, HORRIBLE acting on the part of most of the cast, and tons of blood and gore. Now, the blood and gore I’m cool with. I think in a zombie movie there’s no such thing as gratuitous gore; they’re flesh-eating corpses returned from the dead, there’s going to be blood, and lots of it. But blood and gore does not make a bad movie better. It makes it redder. That’s it.
Writer Ramon Isao (with help from the movie’s director Kevin Hamedani) try one gag after another, and so few of them work you end up feeling a little embarrassed to even be witnessing it. Themes of tolerance and prejudice, ignorance and discrimination run throughout the story, and I applaud the effort, I guess, as the gay guys and the Iranian girl are the heroes of the movie, but again, it all goes back to just being way too obvious. The movie might as well have had pop-ups directing our reactions in every scene. “Feel bad for Frida; due to his own ignorance and narrow-mindedness, Mr. Miller doesn’t see his wife has been bitten by a zombie, and instead insists Frida is somehow responsible for the outbreak.” Or there’s, “Awww, how sweet that Cheryl already knows Tom is gay and is happy he’s finally coming out to his mother–see, not EVERYONE in Port Gamble is a bigoted hick!” Yes, movie, thank you for leading the way. Now if you could show me where the exit is?
I just didn’t care for ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION at all. And it’s not because I spent the entire time comparing it to the vastly superior SHAUN OF THE DEAD (to be fair, Pegg and Wright had been writing professionally for some time in 2004, whereas this was the first writing credit for both Isao and Hamedani), even though I did. The simple fact is it’s not a good movie. It takes a special skill to pull off a horror/comedy hybrid. What Pegg and Wright had going for them was they were genuinely funny. This movie wants to be funny, but the desperation to do so just shines through too clearly every time.
The cast is made up mostly of novices from the area (Washington state) with few or no credits pre-ZMD, and the lack of experience shows. I just want to shelve this movie and try to forget I saw it. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen–as far as I know, Todd Sheets had nothing to do with it–but of all the After Dark Horrorfest 8 Films to Die For movies (that’s 35 total, 2 extras the first year and 1 extra the second year), ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION is, hands down, the least satisfying of them all.
Read more 8 Films to Die For reviews
C. Dennis Moore is the author of over 60 published short stories and novellas in the speculative fiction genre. Most recent appearances are in the Dark Highlands 2, What Fears Become, Dead Bait 3 and Dark Highways anthologies. His novels are Revelations, and the Angel Hill stories, The Man in the Window, The Third Floor, and The Flip.
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