Dumbass of the Week – Mel Gibson

July 15, 2010

So wrong in so many ways…

It’s been quite a while since a truly worthy candidate appeared for Dumbass of the Week.  Let’s face it, Jesse James is a hard act to follow in terms of utterly stupid self destruction and general smarminess.  But Mel Gibson – with an already tarnished record a mile and a half long – has outdone the ex-Mr. Bullock by a country mile.  Gibson makes James look like a choir boy.  Fine, a choir boy that’s a big fat creep, but still.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, Mel Gibson has gone off the deep end.  After his 2006 arrest during which he disparaged Jews, women and nearly flushed his career down the crapper, he checked himself into alcohol rehab (nice ploy, Mel – the public loooooves rehab).  This, combined with an apology (that wasn’t really an apology – more like a denial) and the critical success of Apocalypto, saved his sorry butt from the fiery furnace of public scorn.

Jump to 2009.  Mel divorces his wife of many years (and many children) and takes up with pianist Oksana Grigorieva, with whom he has yet another child (for the record, that makes 8).  

Jump to this week, when Mel dives head first into the insanity pool in recorded conversations with the now estranged Grigorieva.  He’s not just angry, he’s raving.  He’s tossing out racial slurs, threats of violence, massive blasts of general misogyny and other little tidbits for the consumption of the masses.

First a disclaimer.  I don’t think this is a pure, one sided story with Gibson as devil and Grigorieva as angel.  It was she, after all, who made the tapes without his knowledge.  I do not believe that if we heard tapes of other conversations between the dueling duo that she would seem quite so calm and rational.  She wanted him to blow up so she could get a restraining order – fair enough.  But exactly how did those tapes make their way onto the internet?  The entire internet?  Right, I don’t think she’s quite as much of a fair damsel as she might like us to think.

On the other hand, Gibson is a raving lunatic.  He’s huffing and puffing and ranting and nearly incoherent in his vast, seemingly bottomless hatred.  Who is it that Mel hates?  Let’s take a look.  Mel Gibson probably hates you if:

- you are homosexual

- you are female

- you are African-American

- you are Hispanic

- you are Jewish

- you are the mother of any of his tribe of children

- you are not Mel Gibson

Yes, I think that just about covers it.  Chances are pretty much 100% that Mel Gibson hates you.  And me.

Think about it – this man was adored by women the world over from the time he made Galipoli in 1981.  At 54, he could be aging into a successful directing career (don’t forget, he owns an Oscar for Braveheart) as well as cherry picking plum acting roles.  But that isn’t how it is in MelWorld.

In MelWorld it’s impossible to cork it about your unpopular, bigoted and violent beliefs and just do your damn job.  In my perfect world I wouldn’t know word one about Mel Gibson’s religion, prejudices or bad habits.  Sure, being in the spotlight opens actors up to scrutiny and that sometimes sucks.  But Gibson has never failed to parade his weirdness as if it were a badge of courage and honor rather than a sign of mental illness.  That he can’t tell the difference is probably the most frightening thing of all.

Nice going, Mel.  Between the bottle, your warped psyche and your intense hatred for everyone who is not you, you’ve managed to alienate the world.  Rehab isn’t going to cut it this time.  At least for this movie-goer, you’re toast on a stick and your career is over.  Hopefully you’ll go to jail for beating your girlfriend (which you admitted) and save us all from having to see you or worse, hear you speak.  You are my Movie Rewind Dumbass of the Week, eclipsing any who have come before you with the sheer magnitude of your vile insanity.  Now, please, for the sake of everyone – shut the hell up!

Cry Me a River, Lindsay Lohan is Going to Jail

July 7, 2010

Actress gets exactly what she deserves

In the latest installment of Hollywood Eats Its Young, Lindsay Lohan is headed to the clink.  Her crime?  Ignoring the terms of her probation on a litany of drug and alcohol related offenses.  90 days in the slammer followed by mandatory inpatient rehab.  Sweet.

The court refused to address her real crime, which is appearing in public repeatedly and purposely looking like an unwashed, dead-eyed, strung-out junkie in spandex leggings from 1984.  But since that’s more a crime of fashion, I understand that it’s more appropriately dealt with by peer pressure.  Oh wait – Lindsay has no peers, only subordinates.

So why is this even news?  We all know Lohan is a train wreck.  Her blubbering of excess make-up all over her attorney’s sweater doesn’t make me any more likely to want her set free than does her overly collagen-injected pout.  She did the crime – repeatedly, and refused to follow even the ridiculously lenient probation terms – she can do the time.

But there’s something else here – the real reason she deserves this sentence.  Once she’s in jail, she’ll get better treatment than she’s received in her entire life.  She won’t be catered to, she won’t be coddled, she won’t have a mother who thinks having an alcoholic teenager is just dandy, she won’t have a jailed father trying to weasel his way into her fortune.  She might actually have a little discipline, some guidance and some real life, grown-up advice on how to get her shit together before it kills her.

God knows she needs it.  Lohan is a 24-year-old infant, without the slightest ability to care for herself or make appropriate, reasonable adult decisions.  She has never been expected to do so, why should she learn?  What, do we really think responsibility just blossoms out of teenage pores when they hit the age of majority?  Newsflash – child stars are screwed up because the adults around them fail them miserably.

Some get through it.  Robert Downey Jr. and Britney Spears both look to be on the upswing (especially RDJ).  But none of that happened before they paid a heavy price for their infantile behavior.  Downey did jail time and Spears not only did some inpatient time, but also lost custody of her kids.  

Those who never pay a big, head slapping price for their actions (the actions set in motion by the adults meant to care for them) do not fare as well.  Michael Jackson, Corey Haim, Dana Plato, River Phoenix.  All dead.  Why?  Because they never became adults and never had to answer for their juvenile foolishness in any meaningful way.  They got their way until their way killed them.

So count your blessings, Ms. Lohan.  Cry until you have no more tears to shed.  But that judge probably just saved your sorry ass.  Oh, and your life.  Pull yourself together and stop acting like a baby.  Maybe then you can count yourself as a child star survivor instead of just another child star tragedy.

Who Said That About… Star Trek

May 2, 2010

From our 2006 archive:

Paramount Pictures plans to release a new Star Trek film in fall 2008. J.J. Abrams (Alias, Lost) is slated to direct, write and produce, which gives me some hope that this project won’t suffer the fate of 2002′s Nemesis.

JJ indeed saved the franchise and introduced actors 40 years younger than the ones who played them before.  As prequels go, the team stayed close enough to the original to satisfy fans and strayed far enough to open new character dynamics and potential plots.   I wrote at the time that Abrams would have to serve two masters in the fan base and the general public, most of whom remembered Trek as something their parents liked.  He nailed both audiences with more than $250 million in domestic box office and another $100 or so in foreign films.

But the best news for Paramount?  They get to green light a sequel.  Trek 12, whatever that might be, is slated for a summer 2012 release.

Who Said That About…Tina Fey?

May 1, 2010

From our archives (yeah, I wrote it.  Shut up.)

NBC’s fall schedule: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The premise: a creative team is hired to save a live sketch-comedy show that just happens to resemble NBC’s Saturday Night Live.

Tina Fey, co-head writer for SNL, is working on a similar project starring her and Alec Baldwin, but I give Studio 60 better odds of sticking.

I’ll have you know that half of Studio 60′s 22 episodes were watchable.  I’m also a big Aaron Sorkin fanboy, and while I still have a Tinacrush, I was betting on the money of Matthew Perry coming off of Friends and a rotating cast of guest stars.

Oops.  Below, Tina Fey receives an award while she and New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg laugh at this prediction.

Sandra Bullock Exchanges A Dumbass For A Baby

April 29, 2010

Oscar winner takes the high road

It’s no secret that I really like Sandra Bullock.  I’ve already gone on record with my assertion that Jesse James is a giant dumbass for not being able to keep it in his pants while married to the actress.  She apparently agrees and has gone public with plans to divorce the D-List idiot.

Not only that, she also revealed that she has adopted a baby boy.  Her son, whose adoption she will finalize without James, has been with her for several months, protectively shielded from the pre-Oscar press frenzy and post-Oscar scandal.  She let The Blind Side have center stage and kept her personal life personal.

Bullock has now proven the lie in two common Hollywood myths.  First, that infidelity is so common that it isn’t really a marriage deal breaker.  Bullshit.  She was out of that house before the story broke.   Unlike other celebrities who seem to thrive on drawing out their drama for as long as possible (no publicity is bad publicity, right?  Wrong!), she dropped out of sight until she was ready to announce her plans.  On her terms.  In no uncertain terms.  He couldn’t keep it in his pants, he’s gone.  Yay Sandra!!

Second, that it is impossible for stars to maintain any sort of privacy.  We hear it all the time – the whining about how the paparazzi won’t leave Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears of whoever the moron of the moment might be alone and the pictures and tabloid fodder and pretty much everything else is the fault of the press.  Boo-friggin’-hoo.  Excuse my repetition, but bullshit.  Bullock just proved that if you want to disappear, you can damn well disappear.  She kept a baby secret for months.   If she can do that, Britney can surely keep her lack of panties to herself if she tries even a little bit.

Despite breaking her silence to People magazine (wouldn’t be my choice, but whatever), Bullock really took the high road throughout the whole ordeal.  She has not bad mouthed James (even though he richly deserved it), she has not paraded around Hollywood bemoaning her fate to anyone who will listen and she’s done the right thing by her new son.  She has also admitted to being both sad and scared – real human emotions from an actress.  Will wonders never cease? 

Kudos, Sandra.  You scored one for every person who has been screwed by being a grown up and coming out on top.  Your faithless ex and his tantrums to the press, stint in “rehab” for some unidentified disorder (perhaps Wandering Penis Syndrome) and empty public apologies look all the more pathetic in the face of your graceful stoicism and determination to do what’s right for both you and your child.   Once in a while Hollywood actually does produce a role model.

Bill Murray and Ghostbusters 3 – HSX Today

April 29, 2010

So the good news was Animation Fund III finally delisted after reaching its $100 goal.  The bad news that many have pointed out is how long it took to get there.

My options are sparkling.  I closed out JACKR, a Jackie Robinson film Robert Redford was supposedly interested in.  We all know about Redford and The Natural, but this one never got traction.  As a baseball fan, I think it’s a shame.  At $1.09 five years after its IPO, just close your position if you have one.  Another sports movie it’s time to close out a short position on is Racing Dreams (RCDRM) that had a $3 IPO two days ago and is now at $2.  Just pocket your change and move on.  Finally, the Scanners remake is still hovering out there for some reason.  Shut down that puppy too before David Cronenberg’s head explodes.

If Scanners is your thing, you might be one of those itching to see the Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  For the genre, it was genius.  For a scary date night, it wasn’t bad.  I’m still interested to see what Jackie Earle Haley can do as Freddy.   I record Human Target on my DVR just to watch his dark geeky character.  HSXers are bullish on the film as befits the demographic.  The IPO for the $35 million opening weekend call has more than doubled.   That’s good buzz.

I’m not sure who is buzzing about Ghostbusters 3. As you can from Bill Murray’s hilarious turn on David Letterman last month, there is talk about the film, but the star is hardly positioning it as a slam dunk.  Nightmare?    Kill me off in the first reel?   Dunno, but the HSXers sent it up another $2 yesterday.   They also popped up another sequel, The Hobbit, Part 2, which will be a terrific film after, you know, The Hobbit is released.

On the other side of the coin, Despicable Me is starting to slide despite a July release and decent word of mouth.   At $101, it may be time to close the position if you’re holding big quantities.

Today’s IPOs are some small films and some questionable Olivia Thirlby vehicles.  The Trotsky is a moment for Jay Baruchel.  In real life, he turns up in amazing movies like Million Dollar Baby, Almost Famous, Tropic Thunder and How to Train Your Dragon.  I don’t think audiences are ready for him for him playing a quirky offbeat dude who believes he is the reincarnation of Trotsky.   Also out in a week or so is Happiness Runs with a pretty unknown cast except for Andie Macdowell and Rutguer Hauer.  It’s a period piece, the trailer is boring and it’s in limited release.  I shorted both.

Now for Olivia.  She’s attached to Jack and Diane, which must make John Mellencamp happy, but is a film in which she hides from her boyfriend that she is a werewolf.  I wish it were a comedy.   She’s also attached to The Darkest Hour. This is also a plot not played for laughs that has the pretty actress touring Russia when aliens invade.  Sigh.  She is a long way from Juno.

I have no idea what to do with either IPO.  I know I don’t want to watch either film if they are ever released.

Losers Lives Up To Billing – HSX Today

April 27, 2010

Did The Losers live up to its name or what?

HSX had a $20 million weekend option on the Chris Evans vehicle.  Remember when I asked last week if Chris Evans could carry a movie?  I actually meant a future film since I thought The Losers had enough going to at least open at $10 million plus, but it not only finished behind two older releases, three others almost caught it.  Even with a modest drop next week, this one will go into week three of release nowhere near $20 million, which puts those of whose bought calls out a tiny speck of HSX dough.

My other options are doing much better, thank you.  Super Max, based on The Green Arrow, is falling as I thought.  Sue and I keep preaching comic fatigue.  It’s actually cyclical and very similar to the trend I saw when I bought WWE stock for real.  After spending a long time with the data and seeing a roughly 6 year cycle, I jumped in it a decent low and closed the position on its way up.  In real life, I’m a buy and hold guy, but I flipped wrestling like a day trader.  And boy, do I want to do the same on HSX with most comics-based stocks.  Meanwhile, Super Max is trading in the mid $7 range and has plenty to fall if you have some spare cash laying around.

Both Contagion and Avatar 2 dipped a bit today, but the market gyrations don’t seem worrisome.  James Cameron is talking openly about an Avatar sequel.  Contagion has a cast looking much like Oceans 14 might:  Paltrow, Winslet, Damon, Law, all directed by Stephen Sondbergh.   The release date is pushed and some may be skittish, but Contagion is still blockbuster material.   Dustin Hoffman, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey pulled off the same trick with a hit in 1995′s Outbreak.  Remember about those cycles?

Everyone’s favorite cyclical monster, Godzilla, continues to shake off visions of Matthew Broderick and return to his cheesy wonder.  Still two years from a release date, the HSX stock has popped 24% in 2 days.

Today’s IPOs are a bit blah, but one worth your time might be Clive Owen in Intruders.  I’m not even sure the Latin-flavored thriller will do especially well or even if Owens’ career may be temporarily derailed after appearing in David Schwimmer’s directorial debut this year.  But with little else for traders to do after a Sunday off, Intruders might see a small pop before falling.  At $25 and with Universal onboard, there are worst gambles to take.

You could’ve called The Losers at $20 million in its opening weekend, for example, or you may be holding tickets to David Schwimmer directing a film about a little girl and an online sexual predator.  That’s David Schwimmer from this Friends clip.

Robin Hood in France – HSX Today

April 21, 2010

Fergie helped me continue a strong month when her IPO popped up nearly 2% on opening day.  Few performers are double or triple threats live, in recording studios and on film.  Jamie Foxx and Will Smith pull it off.  Some chick named Streisand thinks she can, but hasn’t been able to do so on film in a couple of decades.  Right now, Foxx and Hugh Jackman may be the most relevant, bankable stars who can sing and act.

The live-action Marmaduke will be Fergie’s first vehicle since going IPO on HSX.  Marmaduke, which reminds me of a latter day Harry and the Hendersons, opens during the brutal holiday season this year.   Emma Stone is in the cast, and the big doggie will be Amanda Seyfried’s fourth release in 18 months.

Yesterday’s other IPO I took a shot on was The Concert, a period piece from The Weinsteins this summer.   I liked the plot line, and if director / screenwriter Radu Mihaileanu executes well, the film has all the makings of a breakout drama.  (Important tangent:  how cool is it movie geeks to learn that the Weinstein brothers are close to a deal to buy back Miramax?  I think it’s awesome).

After some housekeeping–a perfect $10K on the questions, thankyouverymuch–it’s off to look at my short options.   John Carpenter and Nicolas Cage doing Scared Straight still isn’t out of development and continues tanking. The film is down nearly 70% this year.  A Kenny Chesney concert film that should have moved straight to 3D moved down low enough to pay its fees and a little more.  With a release date this week, it’s time to dump that puppy.  Newly released other film that should’ve gone to DVD, or even VHS, is something with Joan Rivers.  I shorted it on principle, that was the right call, and now I’m out of it.  There is no reason to stick around until mid-June to pick up another $40K or so.

Iron Man 2, which Sue may not see since Robert Downey Jr’s body is encased in a suit, came really close to pushing through the $400 barrier before dropping a little yesterday. The film opens May 7.  There’s not much point in continuing to hold a long position for two weeks.   The IPO, which came hot on the heels of the first movie’s success, was price around $100 but still paid handsomely for anyone who held it.  Iron Man 2 is likely the most anticipated sequel of 2010, and in some quarters, the most anticipated release.  And since we’re telling the truth here, I didn’t care very much for the first one.

The more interesting slide in my opinion is Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood.  I’ve had doubts about this one for months, even if it is screening at Cannes.   HSXers dumped it nearly 4% yesterday on the heels of a trailer.  I love the cast, I love Ridley Scott, I love the story, but I’m not sure why Universal doesn’t cede the first two weekends to Iron Man 2.

Crowe and Robin Hood lead me to think of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. My short thoughts on that film:  I liked the mysticism, Morgan Freeman played one of his best roles, American audiences came to love Alan Rickman and Costner was tolerable.  Plus my wife and I fell for the theme song and considered it our for a while.    Since Field of Dreams remains my go-to movie, I have a hard time not liking Costner.

That said, he scares me when he directs himself.  Don’t tell me about history.  Dances with Wolves was 20 years ago.   And Costner gave himself far too much screen time in that film too.  Playing a 55 year old action sheriff in a World War II setting?  I’m not loving this idea.

But do you remember Kevin Reynolds and Fandango? Kevin Costner does.  Reynolds cast Costner in Fandango 25 years ago, even before American Flyers.    Since then, they’ve drowned in Waterworld together and had a smash with Robin Hood. Reynolds likes Costner on screen too much, but not as much as Costner likes Costner on screen.   Their fourth film together is Learning Italian, sort of The Bucket List for undercover spies.   If Reynolds brings out Costner’s light comedy, Learning Italian can hit.  I like it as a $15 long position.

Among the IPOs that I’m picking up today are a $35 million call on the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot.  Jackie Earl Haley’s return, yes even with Human Target on his resume, is nearly complete.    The StarBonds fund also just cashed out at $1 million and is back for another launch.  At $200K in the door, you just buy these things and let mrbinns quadruple your money in a few months.  It’s really not hard.

So that’s today.  Meanwhile Ridley and Russell get to open Cannes with Robin Hood.  What do you think after seeing the trailer?

Howard, Eastman Bring Hoover To Life – HSX Today

April 19, 2010

Nice pickups over the weekend on the Saturday IPO and the various games.   My 90 day chart is almost re-populated since the February reset, but more importantly shows a steep increase.

Deal With The Devil continues to be a dog of a stock I’m glad I shorted.  Out of Lionsgate, there is no one attached to the stock now and it’s floating around at just over $3, down from a 52 week high of nearly triple that.   This is one of the rare stocks that don’t reflect the HSX community’s fixation with comic stocks because this is an adaptation of a Mark Miller book.  If you haven’t done so yet, it looks like a fine short at $3.44

Appealing to a younger demographic, but sliding just as fast is the Goosebumps adaptation that no one seems to know what to do with.   I’m reminded of when studios were desperate to make a Mario Brothers film.  Bob Hoskins surely would like us all to forget that particular movie.  Goosebumps is down again–nearly a dollar this month and $2 for the season.  At a much higher price of $7.02, it’s a fine option to short.

Concepts, my favorite category to short, continue sliding as well.  While I would love to see Anthony Hopkins in King Lear, no one has the project despite a trio of beauties in Naomi Watts, Gwyneth Paltrow and Keira Knightley.  Shakespeare is usually a tough sell in modern box office.  This cast would make the film much more interesting, but no less accessible, which is why it’s now down to $4.35.

And finally in the shorts section, Wolfgang Petersen has Sony backing a scifi thriller called The Uprising. I’ve been shorting this one forever, and it’s under $6 now after a nice long stay in double digits.

Today’s exciting IPO (I think we can ignore the Attica reboot) is Hoover, a biopic of everyone’s favorite transvestite lawman.  Brian Grazer and Ron Howard, with more than a few “based on a true story” hits have the screenwriter responsible for Milk on the script.  Now get this:  Clint Eastwood is directing Leonard DiCaprio.  Interested yet?   Swap out Leo for Matt Damon and it wins 3 Oscars instead of being nominated for them, but if  this puppy gets made, we’ve got a must-see film the month it is released.

Can Chris Evans Carry A Movie?

April 16, 2010

Started off slowly today.  Who could have imagined that A Walk to Remember outgrossed Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles? Neither was worth a lot of box office money, but Walk did $16 million more domestic box office.  Oh, Paul Hogan, you rode that horse one time too many.

Even yesterday’s picks were flat.  HSXers agreed with Sue and showed no love to Katherine Heigl and her two IPOs.  One for the Money remained flat while Blended actually dropped 10%.  I dropped Blended with the crowd.   The $20 million call on The Losers turned out to be nice even though it’s a call and almost no money.  Traders drove the call up 26% to $2.52.  You want box office intelligence?  Movie geeks are digging the trailer for The Losers.

I dumped out of my American Idol options, but can’t understand why Crystal Bowersox’s numbers dropped this week when she is widely considered a finalist.  She may not be the presumptive winner (look where that got Adam Lambert last year), but  I can’t find an Idol-watcher who thinks she will be cut before the finals.  But as we said yesterday, the upside isn’t big enough to hold on to her option or Siobhan Magnus’ at $16 so they’re both gone.

In shorts, The Host is a remake by Universal of a South Korean horror flick and dropping hard.   Still at $6.77 and down by nearly half in 12 months, there is plenty of time to jump 0n this one and make a little cash while shorting a film with no named director or cast.    One option that started climbing (up 65 cents — that’s big stuff for an option) is yet another remake of The Man from U*N*C*L*E.   The option is moving because a screenwriter has been picked.  I’m sticking with my short position because I don’t think the screenwriter is any good, and this film never does well in any adaptation.

Remember when we told you this week that there would be comics fatigue?  Rest assured that there are at least five comic-themed films coming in the next 18 months.  But traders yesterday started giving back gains on sequels in the Iron Man, Batman and X-Men franchises.

Remake horror continues with Anna Farris attached to a remake of Private Benjamin slated for 2011.  Go back and look at the Goldie Hawn-led cast for the 30 year old original.  Albert Brooks, Harry Dean Stanton, Eileen Brennan (who is now 78–wow!), Mary Kay Place and a bunch of other folks, including Armand Assante who had such a big role that I have to mention his name.  Do you think it’s funny that Stanton and Mary Kay Place were at the head of the Juniper Creek polygamist compound in Big Love?  Yeah, me too.

Farris joins Chris Evans, Andy Samberg and Spock (sorry, Zach Quinto, but if Nimoy got typecast, we must do the same to you) in What’s Your Number?  Anna apparently does the gender reverse of scrolling through a little black book for a potential spouse.  I would pass except that exteriors are being shot in Boston in a few weeks according to the HSX community, who can track down any lead anywhere.

Evans will be coming off Puncture, a legal drama in the world of Big Medicine.  Chris’ character complicate things with a drug problem of his own.   His Fantastic Four street cred may be dwindling, but this guy is working in a dozen projects if you believe every rumor.   Let’s see how he does with The Losers later this month before we anoint him, right Jeremy Piven?

Chris Evans photo by gdcgraphics via cc

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